I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
