so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dating After Heartbreak
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?