she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
