i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
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I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
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