My girlfriend figured out who you are.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
