In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
