I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
