My Higher Power is John Stamos
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
