well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
