How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
