I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
