he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
