were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
