When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
