apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
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This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks