Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
