Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
