I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
