Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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