Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
