I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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