yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
