So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
