I cannot find my penis.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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