I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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