My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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