I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
