The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
