New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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