Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
you inspire me to be a worse person
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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