how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
