Little spoons don't ask big questions
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
How's work?
Spinning.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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