My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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