If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
