Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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