Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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