when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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