Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
