me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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