I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
