Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
