so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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