your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
