Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
