i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
