I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
