Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
