i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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