I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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