im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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