I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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