In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
