its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So vagazzling was a success
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
