he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
