I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
