She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
