Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
