when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
