Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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