so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
