Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
