i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
